Giant red penis
Background: My grandparents awoke to a big, red, penis drawn onto their driveway in red permanent marker. My grandma emailed everyone to tell us about it. Uncle’s response: “Never a dull moment on the Island. Was the penis drawn free hand or traced? If it was traced, all you have to do is find the penis that matches and you have the culprit.” Grandma’s response:...
My mom loves to use this face in emails:
My mom gave me the leftovers from the 5 lb bag of assorted candy she brought to my sister’s horse show on Saturday. I brought this to work and have been eating Sweet Tart packets at unhealthy rates in hopes of finding my favorite colors (red and blue). There are NONE! How can this be? I will continue to eat Sweet Tarts until the first of 2 possible events: I find a red or blue I...
Beef stir fry
Email from my mom: “Something I saw that looked good and reminded me of you.” http://www.kraftfoods.com/kf/recipes/asian-beef-stir-fry-107313.aspx?e=email Please tell me, Mom, why I remind you of Asian Beef Stir-Fry??
Eric: The Plum Virgin
Eric: im scared of it. its purple. and its sitting there just staring at me. i dont like the looks of it
me: haha...its sweet inside, just try it! ill bite at the same time
Eric: here goes
me: 1, 2, 3....bite!
Eric: its not what i expected but thats good cuz i was scared
me: do you like it?
me: haha, what were you expecting?
Eric: i duno, its kind of crunchy. i think i will buy some of these plums
Big night on BRAVO!
The new season of Real Housewives of Orange County is on tonighttttt! …But before that is the ATL reunion with a lot of snapping, head bobbing and yelling. And NeNe calling out Kim on “spreading her legs for married men”. Oh no she dittint!
You know you haven’t been to the gym in a while when… They built a golf improvement type place where a racquetball court used to be. My b.
Ey yo, where are mah cheezbawls?
streetsofchicago: I always find it funny that people are shocked I’m from New Jersey, simply because I can speak well. My freshman year @ Virginia Tech, people thought I was lying after I said I was from NJ. They would say, “…then where’s your accent? You don’t talk like an idiot!” They would then proceed to try to make me say words like “water”,...
Bad memories make me angry.
So I’m in a carpool. We alternate driving every other week. This week was not my week to drive. On Friday, the other girl asked me if I could drive separate Monday and Tuesday of next week (yesterday and today). I said “sure, that’s fine.” I’d rather drive alone anyway. Sunday night I get a text message double checking that it’s OK that I drive in by...
A bomb just got dropped. Our CEO quit.
If I haven’t seen these people in 5 years, chances are, it’s on...– Me, on why I choose not to partake in “Thanksgiving Eve” high school reunions at the one and only bar in our town
It really bothers me that companies tend to name their conference rooms after islands or tropical paradises. Maybe this isn’t true for anyone else, but my last 2 employers have done this. First of all, what is the point? Are they trying to make meetings a more enjoyable place to go or something? Secondly, if I ever go to Hawaii, I will be thinking of work the whole time. See, at my...
Whenever I make brownies I don’t scrape ALL of the brownie mix into the baking dish. I purposely leave a good amount and scrape it into my mouth instead*. Delish. *And for those of you dying to say it, “that’s what she said”.
Spelling bee champ
I just tried to spell “use” like: youse I’m smart.
How much do you know about movies from the last 25... →
thephenthouse: lawful: meltinyourmouth: Ugh…I need to watch more movies…I only got a 57%. :( 66% myself. 85% wha wha “I failed with a 57%” - I suck.
worst time of year
whytluda: i know most of you are going to disagree strongly with me here. i’ve seen everyone’s pictures with the first snow, out enjoying it, smiling. whoopdeedoo. i hate snow. i despise cold weather. tell me a time when it is fun to be cold, and i’ll show you a live and breatheing T-Rex. i understand i live in the wrong part of the country for this. the midwest bundles all four seasons into...
By the way...
Google’s “411” number is fucking awesome. For those of you that don’t have an iPhone w/ Google maps and the like, this is very helpful. 1-800-GOOG-411.
I felt like a tidal wave was coming…and i don’t like when big loads...– Michelle on not sticking with the new “Ocean” Gmail theme
I just bought a new 2009 organizer for the up-and-coming new year. The first page is a letter of congratulations. In my head I thought, “is it really necessary for them to congratulate me for buying a $15 planner?” I’ve had planners every year, but this one, this one is amazing! After thumbing through the entire thing, I realized that a “congrats” is absolutely...
I love today!! For some reason, I’m in the best mood. This is even after staying up until 12:30 (wow, I sound lame!!) putting safety pins on 175 pink ribbons. A lil’ Starbucks “pick-me-up” helped I’m sure. Other good things about today: I’m playing Pandora’s Christmas station! Facebook is now UNBLOCKED at work again! Turned off my overhead light and...
Bronx Mowgli Wentz.
cupcaked: Really? Mowgli? Maybe he can be friends w/ Brooklyn Beckham. Now all we need are some celebrities to chip in and name their kids Manhattan, Queens, and Staten Island.
Anndddddd… Gmail themes made it to me! Woo hoo! I think Tumblr has increased my geek-ness.
Would You Rather...
Kenton: Would you rather only be able to walk via moonwalking or c walking?
Me: c walking. Because 1) you'd be gangstaaaaa and 2) you would be able to move forwards
Kenton: yeah, moonwalking you would bump into things/people
Me: ya and everyone would think you're a sick jacko freak that likes little boys
Kenton: very true
Kenton: please see my status [It reads: Ashton: wait whats c walking?]
me: omg, tell her its when u can walk on water aka the "sea"
Kenton: she got it now, I think her co-worker told her
Me: well when I told that Eric Clapton joke last week, about his son falling outta the window, she thought it was recent news and told her coworkers. they were like "um, didn't that happen a long time ago?"
Remember that show? Eureka’s Castle? Ahh, the Nickelodeon gems from back in the day… Anyway, I solved my font issue. The only way it comes out in “Georgia” is if I write 2 paragraphs. Odd, and annoying.
The aforementioned is what I am about to do after our “Festival of Thanks” lunch at work. Geez Louise I’m full.
I look good in green →
I love these!
And....we're renting. →
Definitely low balling the rate compared to others out there, but hey…who doesn’t love a good deal? And I certainly love $600/night in my pocket. We’ll see how this works out.
What is the best place to go in New York city if... →
Well, I just LOVE getting mugged anywhere, there is no ONE best place, geez! Seriously…what kind of question is that? And even more seriously…why does only 1 person answer with “y do u want 2 get mugged?”
Whatever you like
I just called some guy named Jim at work. He didn’t answer so when I was leaving a message I started by saying “Hey Jim”. The radio in my head started to play T.I.’s “Whatever You Like”. I almost started singing it. How awkward would that have been?
'Saved by Zero': The Toyota Ad That Won't Stop →
I most certainly have belted this a time or two. Saved by zerooooooooooo!
PinMart for the cure!
A few weeks ago, I offered my sister my help to raise money for Susan G. Komen at her horse show this weekend. I told her I’d make ribbons, signs, donation boxes, etc. in honor of a teammates mom who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Me and my sister are “sisters” in two ways. We both were/are in Zeta Tau Alpha, whose philanthropy is SGK. So after 4 years of...
Somehow my pictures from my college graduation have vanished into thin air. Out of all 167 folders I have in “My Pictures”, this is the ONLY one to just disappear? It’s the one that probably means the most to me. I’m so upset. I have them uploaded to Facebook, so I guess it’s not a complete loss…but they get all distorted if you try to re-save them. There...
OMG You Guys →
ardenashley: I need this like immediately. It would be even better if Billy Mays hosted this infomercial!
Me: what's that real estate agency, Helen Keller?
Eric: you mean Keller Williams?
Eric: was that a joke?
Me: no, absolutely was not.
Santa’s on my Coke can and that makes me happy!
Boys can't admit when they're wrong.
Eric: are we gonna have lasagna for dinner w/ ensalda?
me: ya if its still good
Eric: it is. stuff doesn't go bad
me: um yes it does! case in point: apple pie. remember, when you took a bite of mold covered pie? hmmmm?! that my friend, went bad.
Eric: no it was just blue frosting. and i didn't like it. so i spit it out.
me: haha right
Not only have I had dried toothpaste on my shirt all day (until now), I somehow managed to scribble all over my shirt with a pink pen. Love looking like a slob.
Holiday "Hotties" →
Dear Leonora, Allie, Jennifer, Cassandra, Elizabeth, Gina, Felicia, Julie, Lori, Elaine, and Valerie - Please do not submit anymore “sexy” pictures. Thanks, Kim